Dear Coleen: He says I’m paranoid about his flirty texts to colleague

By | January 23, 2020

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my husband for eight years and we’ve always been very happy until a couple of months ago when I found some messages from him to a woman at work on his mobile.

I was taken aback – the messages were flirty and they seemed very close, but there was nothing sexual.

I’ve been in a similar situation before – my ex, who I dated nearly 10 years, was having an affair and it split us up. Naturally, I’m sensitive to anything like this and I can’t believe I’m back here.

I did notice he’d become distant and kept mentioning this woman’s name, saying how great she is and even that she’s attractive, which set off alarm bells for me – but there was nothing to indicate they were having an affair.

I asked him several times if everything was OK with us and he’d always say yes and I had nothing to worry about. When I confronted him about the messages, he went crazy about me looking through his phone and called me paranoid. He said nothing was going on and that they’re just friends.

I can’t prove anything, but I’m sure at least the intention is there. I’m miserable, but he’s just shut off and is so angry. What do you suggest?

Coleen says

The point is, he’s exchanging flirtatious messages with another woman he’s admitted he finds attractive, and doesn’t want you to see them.

So something is going on whether they’ve slept together or not. If he had nothing to hide, he’d not be this angry about you seeing the messages. Perhaps his anger is linked to guilt.

Intuition is a powerful thing, but I think maybe you’re not trusting yours because you don’t want to be right.

You’ve been here before and so have I. I spent a couple of years in my first marriage convincing myself I was paranoid when I should have trusted my instincts. Don’t let him retreat and make you feel responsible for this – you need to know the truth so you can make a decision.

Maybe nothing has happened, but something isn’t working in your marriage and it needs addressing.

Be in control of what you want and don’t let the situation drift. If you do, it’ll really damage your confidence and self-esteem. And, if your worst fears are confirmed, remember you’ve come back from a cheating partner in the past and you can do it again.

I hope it doesn’t come to that.


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